The work I do with couples is mostly drawn from the scientific research of John Gottman(Gottman Method) and Sue Johnson (Emotional Focused Therapy) which highlight the importance of healthy communication and emotional connection(bonding) for strong, successful relationships. Based on this research, this is what we know about happily married couples:
1. Happily married couples behave like good friends. In other words, their relationships are characterized by respect, affection and empathy. They pay close attention to what's happening in each other's life and they feel emotionally connected. John Gottman (What Makes Love Last), made an interesting discovery: spouses in happy, stable marriages made five positive remarks for every one negative remark when they were discussing conflict. In contrast, couples headed for divorce offered less than one (0.8) positive remark for every single negative remark. I believe both spouses in most marriages are good persons who have positive core values. Don't lose sight of that. Just because your spouse may not see a situation the same way as you, doesn't make her/him wrong or bad.
2. Happily married couples handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways. They recognize that conflict is inevitable in any marriage, and that some problems never get solved, never go away. But these couples don't get gridlocked in their separate positions. Instead, they keep talking with each other about their conflicts. In other words, they listen respectfully to their spouse's perspectives without being dismissive, judgmental, blaming or critical and they find compromises that work for both sides.
3. Happily married couples turn toward each other. Close relationships consist of a series of "emotional bids"--that is, your partner reaches out for emotional connection with a comment, a question, a smile or a hug. You can choose to:
a. turn away, ignoring the bid
b. turn against, reacting with anger or hostility ( "Can't you see I'm busy!)
c. turn toward, showing you're open, listening and engaged
Research shows that habitually turning away from or turning against your partner's bids, harms your marriage. But consistently turning toward your partner strengthens emotional bonds, friendship and romance. It means "being there" for each other. It is the fundamental unit of emotional connection, which we now know is the first and foremost instinct of all humans. When that connection is missing, any marriage will begin to fail and unless help is sought to help heal and strengthen the emotional bond, most marriages will end in divorce or remain painfully empty of love.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
What Is Marriage For?
What is marriage for? The traditional answer is for procreation and the continuation of the species. Marriage can also offer a stable supportive environment for children and helps provide a stabilizing foundation for society. All true. However, recent research supports another compelling reason for marriage: emotional connection (duh!).
Emotional connection is a basic human need. The opposite of connection--emotional isolation--is in fact the most traumatic force for all human beings. There are many levels/kinds of connection: friends, relatives, children, associates, religious faith...all of which are important in helping to meet the human need for attachment. But based on recent neuroscience research, the most powerful level of connection--the need to be close and connected, to be known, to feel loved--can be through committed marital relationships. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight writes that "in fact the issues that most couples struggle with are not the real issues. They are in fact only symptoms of a weakening emotional connection."
Interestingly, recent research in the field of social neuroscience has highlighted how the lack of emotional connection affects our nervous system. In one study, measured by an MRI, it was observed that when threatened with a mildly painful electric shock to the ankles, married women in healthy marriages had decreased brain response to the threat when holding their husband's hand versus a stranger's or no hand at all. In other words, when they held no one's hand or the hand of a stranger, the electric shock was registered as painful, but not so, when her beloved husband held her hand. But when the same electrical experiment was later applied to women in distressed marriages, these women reacted just as the women in the original study did when they were holding the hand of a stranger or no hand! (I assume the same would be true of men.)
In another study, women in cohabiting relationships also experienced a more painful response to the electrical shock than married women. I find that quite surprising, actually.
So compared to all others, with the presence of a mate with whom they felt more securely bonded, the women were not just able to cope differently with the pain, they registered even the threat of being shocked differently.
What couples (and therapists) often do not see is that most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection.
As Sue Johnson writes: Underneath all of the distress, partners are really asking each other: "Can I count of you? Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you?" The anger and criticism are really cries to their lovers to draw their mates back in emotionally and establish a sense of safe connection, which is what marriage is for! Marriage will not keep us safe from the sorrows and pain of life and no marriage is without its disappointments and imperfections. But a good marriage can help provide the faith and strength we need in the face of life's challenges. Otherwise, marriage will cease to be a warm shelter to anyone. And the shock of disconnection will continue, until sometimes, unfortunately, without help, it may become too late to restore the connection and save the marriage.
Emotional connection is a basic human need. The opposite of connection--emotional isolation--is in fact the most traumatic force for all human beings. There are many levels/kinds of connection: friends, relatives, children, associates, religious faith...all of which are important in helping to meet the human need for attachment. But based on recent neuroscience research, the most powerful level of connection--the need to be close and connected, to be known, to feel loved--can be through committed marital relationships. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight writes that "in fact the issues that most couples struggle with are not the real issues. They are in fact only symptoms of a weakening emotional connection."
Interestingly, recent research in the field of social neuroscience has highlighted how the lack of emotional connection affects our nervous system. In one study, measured by an MRI, it was observed that when threatened with a mildly painful electric shock to the ankles, married women in healthy marriages had decreased brain response to the threat when holding their husband's hand versus a stranger's or no hand at all. In other words, when they held no one's hand or the hand of a stranger, the electric shock was registered as painful, but not so, when her beloved husband held her hand. But when the same electrical experiment was later applied to women in distressed marriages, these women reacted just as the women in the original study did when they were holding the hand of a stranger or no hand! (I assume the same would be true of men.)
In another study, women in cohabiting relationships also experienced a more painful response to the electrical shock than married women. I find that quite surprising, actually.
So compared to all others, with the presence of a mate with whom they felt more securely bonded, the women were not just able to cope differently with the pain, they registered even the threat of being shocked differently.
What couples (and therapists) often do not see is that most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection.
As Sue Johnson writes: Underneath all of the distress, partners are really asking each other: "Can I count of you? Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you?" The anger and criticism are really cries to their lovers to draw their mates back in emotionally and establish a sense of safe connection, which is what marriage is for! Marriage will not keep us safe from the sorrows and pain of life and no marriage is without its disappointments and imperfections. But a good marriage can help provide the faith and strength we need in the face of life's challenges. Otherwise, marriage will cease to be a warm shelter to anyone. And the shock of disconnection will continue, until sometimes, unfortunately, without help, it may become too late to restore the connection and save the marriage.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Conscious Uncoupling
You may have read or heard about the actress Gwyneth Paltrow's recent announcement about her "conscious uncoupling" with her husband. It's usually called divorce of course, but Paltrow decided to give it a more positive spin based on a program called "conscious uncoupling." This program is designed to "release the trauma of a breakup, reclaim your power and reinvent your life." Now doesn't that sound better? But is it? What do you think? Here is a response from Michelle Weiner-Davis, the well known marriage counselor and author of Divorce Busting:
Give me a break. I know some marriages will end in divorce and that said, they should be as collaborative as possible, especially when children are involved. But how many couples do you know who have "good divorces?" Even those with the best of intentions often find themselves struggling as time passes.
Divorce is not an easy process, no matter how you slice it.
Plus, here's the biggest fallacy of all. Most of the divorces that happen in our country are based on unilateral decisions--one person wants it and the other desperately does not. It's hard to imagine a heartbroken person being a willing participant in a consciousness building program that both honors the marriage and destroys it at the same time.
Impossible.
Furthermore, even if people participate in a program that offers them insight about their marriage and years past, how exactly does that benefit children who will end up being shuffled around from one enlightened home to another? Not at all....
Research indicates that even when parents do better as a result of divorce, there doesn't seem to be a trickle down effect for children as one would hope. Except in extremely dysfunctional marriages (where there is violence, chronic infidelity and substance abuse), research also tells us that kids do better when their parents work out their differences and stay together.
The developer of the program "Conscious Uncoupling" suggests that marriage should be about personal growth, and when that no longer happens, the couples' work together is done.
Hello? What planet am I from? Marriage isn't about personal growth, although you will hopefully learn and grow while you're in it. It's about a lot of things. One of the primary things marriage is about is learning RELATIONSHIP SKILLS, how to have a loving, harmonious, lasting marriage.
You can evolve personally on a mountainside, alone. But to be in a marriage, you have to learn how to share, give, love and collaborate.
Oh yes, and one final thing......Here's a quote from Gwyneth Paltrow as she announced her decision to divorce:
"We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been."
No, Gwyneth, you will not always be a family. Divorce ends marriages and dissolves families. And if you're closer than you've ever been, for God's sake, why not get some good help and make your marriage work and keep your sweet family together?
Just a thought.
( So what do you think now about "conscious uncoupling?" I think I am more in favor of " real conscious coupling" first...then maybe, if that doesn't work, conscious "uncoupling." But it's still divorce.)
Jim Covington
Give me a break. I know some marriages will end in divorce and that said, they should be as collaborative as possible, especially when children are involved. But how many couples do you know who have "good divorces?" Even those with the best of intentions often find themselves struggling as time passes.
Divorce is not an easy process, no matter how you slice it.
Plus, here's the biggest fallacy of all. Most of the divorces that happen in our country are based on unilateral decisions--one person wants it and the other desperately does not. It's hard to imagine a heartbroken person being a willing participant in a consciousness building program that both honors the marriage and destroys it at the same time.
Impossible.
Furthermore, even if people participate in a program that offers them insight about their marriage and years past, how exactly does that benefit children who will end up being shuffled around from one enlightened home to another? Not at all....
Research indicates that even when parents do better as a result of divorce, there doesn't seem to be a trickle down effect for children as one would hope. Except in extremely dysfunctional marriages (where there is violence, chronic infidelity and substance abuse), research also tells us that kids do better when their parents work out their differences and stay together.
The developer of the program "Conscious Uncoupling" suggests that marriage should be about personal growth, and when that no longer happens, the couples' work together is done.
Hello? What planet am I from? Marriage isn't about personal growth, although you will hopefully learn and grow while you're in it. It's about a lot of things. One of the primary things marriage is about is learning RELATIONSHIP SKILLS, how to have a loving, harmonious, lasting marriage.
You can evolve personally on a mountainside, alone. But to be in a marriage, you have to learn how to share, give, love and collaborate.
Oh yes, and one final thing......Here's a quote from Gwyneth Paltrow as she announced her decision to divorce:
"We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been."
No, Gwyneth, you will not always be a family. Divorce ends marriages and dissolves families. And if you're closer than you've ever been, for God's sake, why not get some good help and make your marriage work and keep your sweet family together?
Just a thought.
( So what do you think now about "conscious uncoupling?" I think I am more in favor of " real conscious coupling" first...then maybe, if that doesn't work, conscious "uncoupling." But it's still divorce.)
Jim Covington
Monday, March 17, 2014
Poisonous Criticism
"There is no such thing as constructive criticism," says John Gottman. "All criticism is painful." I agree. We never like to hear that there is something "wrong" with us, or that something needs changing, especially if this message is coming from the loved one we most depend on.
The latest research which measures the impact of critical, hostile comments made by loved ones shows just how venomous disparagement by those we rely on can be. This censure may even trigger relapse of mental illness and most often depression. One brain research scientist calls criticism from a loved one "low-grade punches to the brain."
Criticism sets off the deep-seated fear that we will be rejected for not being good enough and/or abandoned. It makes sense that such scorn makes it infinitely harder to hold on to our mental equilibrium and emotional balance. I have often noticed that partners usually have no clue as to the real impact of their negative judgments.
A client once said: "But mature adults should be able to deal with criticism. It's really just feedback or the need to stand up for myself." to which I answer: "But this is YOU giving feedback that he is disappointing you and you are your partner's main source of safe connection. He no longer feels safe in his most important relationship. That' s why he attacks back or sometimes withdraws."
Sue Johnson in her recent book, Love Sense, writes about what she terms "poisonous criticism": Criticism virtually guarantees that our partner will be caught up in fear and unable to hear our message and will become defensive and try to withdraw.
So how should a couple address their issues? John Gottman writes about softened start-up vs. harsh start up. For a conflict discussion to succeed you must state your feelings as neutrally as possible and then convert any complaint about your partner into a positive need. Instead of saying for example: Stop sulking! say, I wish you would tell me why you seem so distant. You seem sad. Are you ok? Or instead of blaming and withdrawing and saying: You're so unloving, you're into your own world all the time! say: Honey, I'm missing you, I think I just need to be with you and maybe cuddle a little bit. In other words, speak from you own needs and emotions in a non blaming and unapologetic tone that will invite a better chance for dialogue, sharing and a more positive response.
The latest research which measures the impact of critical, hostile comments made by loved ones shows just how venomous disparagement by those we rely on can be. This censure may even trigger relapse of mental illness and most often depression. One brain research scientist calls criticism from a loved one "low-grade punches to the brain."
Criticism sets off the deep-seated fear that we will be rejected for not being good enough and/or abandoned. It makes sense that such scorn makes it infinitely harder to hold on to our mental equilibrium and emotional balance. I have often noticed that partners usually have no clue as to the real impact of their negative judgments.
A client once said: "But mature adults should be able to deal with criticism. It's really just feedback or the need to stand up for myself." to which I answer: "But this is YOU giving feedback that he is disappointing you and you are your partner's main source of safe connection. He no longer feels safe in his most important relationship. That' s why he attacks back or sometimes withdraws."
Sue Johnson in her recent book, Love Sense, writes about what she terms "poisonous criticism": Criticism virtually guarantees that our partner will be caught up in fear and unable to hear our message and will become defensive and try to withdraw.
So how should a couple address their issues? John Gottman writes about softened start-up vs. harsh start up. For a conflict discussion to succeed you must state your feelings as neutrally as possible and then convert any complaint about your partner into a positive need. Instead of saying for example: Stop sulking! say, I wish you would tell me why you seem so distant. You seem sad. Are you ok? Or instead of blaming and withdrawing and saying: You're so unloving, you're into your own world all the time! say: Honey, I'm missing you, I think I just need to be with you and maybe cuddle a little bit. In other words, speak from you own needs and emotions in a non blaming and unapologetic tone that will invite a better chance for dialogue, sharing and a more positive response.
Monday, February 17, 2014
The All or Nothing Marriage
Interestingly this past Sunday, the New York Times Sunday Review had another lead article on marriage: The All or Nothing Marriage. I am personally uncomfortable with the title because, well, if you can't have it all, forget about it! It's an attitude which epitomizes our "consumer culture" which has infiltrated the institution of marriage itself: Hey, if things are not exactly what you expected in marriage, move on, move out, have an affair, get divorced, find someone else. Nevertheless there were some poignant, unsettling and challenging comments made about the present state of modern marriage that I am passing on to you, such as:
......The average marriage today is weaker than the average marriage of yore, in terms of both satisfaction and divorce rate, but the best marriages today are much stronger, in terms of both satisfaction and personal well-being, than the best marriages of yore.
......Our (the author's) central claim is that Americans today have elevated their expectations of marriage and can in fact achieve an unprecedentedly high level of marital quality--but only if they are able to invest a great deal of time and energy in their partnership. If they are not able to do so, their marriage will likely fall short of these new expectations. Indeed, it will fall further short of people's expectations than at any time in the past.
.....Since around 1965, we have been living in the era of self-expressive marriage. Americans now look to marriage increasingly for self-discovery, self-esteem and personal growth..
.....Though satisfying higher-level needs yields greater happiness, serenity and depth of inner life, people must invest substantially more time and energy in the quality of their relationship when seeking to meet those higher-level needs...
.....But on average Americans are investing less in their marriages--to the detriment of those relationships.
.....One of the most disturbing facts about American marriage today is that while divorce increased at similar rates for the wealthy and the poor in the 1960s and 70s, those rates diverged sharply starting around 1980. (The divorce rates have climbed much higher among the poor and less educated, due to unemployment and juggling jobs because of low salaries.)
What can be done? First and foremost, couples can choose to invest more time and energy in their marriage, perhaps by altering how they use whatever shared leisure time is available. But if couples lack the time and energy, they might consider adjusting their expectations, perhaps by focusing on cultivating an affectionate bond without trying to facilitate each other's self-actualization.
I very much agree with that last statement (which I underlined). It is the lack of affectionate bond that I find increasingly common among couples who come into my office. My goal, of course, is to help couples find ways to be there for each other in a more meaningful and consistent way. And if you want to read more about that "affectionate bond" and how it is lost or well as how it can be sustained, I strongly urge you to read Sue Johnson's (with whom I have trained) latest book: Love Sense. Order it now!
If you are interested in reading the entire NY Times article go to :
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html?ref=todayspaper&_r=1
......The average marriage today is weaker than the average marriage of yore, in terms of both satisfaction and divorce rate, but the best marriages today are much stronger, in terms of both satisfaction and personal well-being, than the best marriages of yore.
......Our (the author's) central claim is that Americans today have elevated their expectations of marriage and can in fact achieve an unprecedentedly high level of marital quality--but only if they are able to invest a great deal of time and energy in their partnership. If they are not able to do so, their marriage will likely fall short of these new expectations. Indeed, it will fall further short of people's expectations than at any time in the past.
.....Since around 1965, we have been living in the era of self-expressive marriage. Americans now look to marriage increasingly for self-discovery, self-esteem and personal growth..
.....Though satisfying higher-level needs yields greater happiness, serenity and depth of inner life, people must invest substantially more time and energy in the quality of their relationship when seeking to meet those higher-level needs...
.....But on average Americans are investing less in their marriages--to the detriment of those relationships.
.....One of the most disturbing facts about American marriage today is that while divorce increased at similar rates for the wealthy and the poor in the 1960s and 70s, those rates diverged sharply starting around 1980. (The divorce rates have climbed much higher among the poor and less educated, due to unemployment and juggling jobs because of low salaries.)
What can be done? First and foremost, couples can choose to invest more time and energy in their marriage, perhaps by altering how they use whatever shared leisure time is available. But if couples lack the time and energy, they might consider adjusting their expectations, perhaps by focusing on cultivating an affectionate bond without trying to facilitate each other's self-actualization.
I very much agree with that last statement (which I underlined). It is the lack of affectionate bond that I find increasingly common among couples who come into my office. My goal, of course, is to help couples find ways to be there for each other in a more meaningful and consistent way. And if you want to read more about that "affectionate bond" and how it is lost or well as how it can be sustained, I strongly urge you to read Sue Johnson's (with whom I have trained) latest book: Love Sense. Order it now!
If you are interested in reading the entire NY Times article go to :
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html?ref=todayspaper&_r=1
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
LOVE ILLUMINATED
As Valentine's Day approaches, the New York Times, Sunday February 9th Book Review magazine focused on books about love and marriage. My favortie is a review of Love Illuminated by Daniel Jones, who has edited the Modern Love feature since 2004. Another favorite book is Love Sense, which I will write about in a separate blog entry.
Love Illuminated presents itself as a report on the most happening, most now kind of "love," yet at heart supports a life philosophy as conventional as Cosmoploitan Magazine. Because what the book is really about is what everything from "Sex and the City" to "Fifty Shades of Grey" is really about: marriage. For all of its celebration of the "modern," the off-kilter and the nontraditional, the pounding pulse of Love Illuminated is the poignant quest for a legal and permanent union.
Daniel Jones also writes about his own marriage to Cathi Hanauer. Interestingly, we were promised an exploration of life's most mystifying subject, but instead what we keep coming back to is a study of life's least mystifying subject: how it might come to pass that two like-minded graduate students in the same creative writing program might fall in love, get married, learn that marriage is not composed of an unfolding series of every-heightened erotic pleasures, and yet still manage, year after year, to keep their leaky but serviceable vessel out of dry dock.
Cathi and Daniel's library includes stacks of books on marriage with titles like "Should I Stay or Go?" But in the end, their dedication to their partnership has kept it going, produced children, created a shared history and an extended family, shelter from the storm--the whole shebang. And this, we gather is what eager readers of Love Illuminated are really after, too: not so much the bright spark of passion, but rather the banked fires of mutual commitment and shared checking accounts.
Love Illuminated suggests that marriage is possible for everyone. You just have to keep trying and -let's face it--think about lowering your standards: "Be realistic about who might love you" is the sobering, if time honored recommendation of one section of the book. Of course, lowering your standards does not mean one should just live with infidelities, abuse or addictions. In my book, unless there is acknowledgement, admission, apology and quest for help, those are deal breakers.
"Otherwise," writes Caitlin Flanagan, the author of the review, "have your fun along the way, but remember it comes at a cost....and yet, even in this rotten modern world--famously short on certitude, peace or even a non-maddening chore rotation--it is still possible for two people to be true to each other." And love each other.
Love Illuminated presents itself as a report on the most happening, most now kind of "love," yet at heart supports a life philosophy as conventional as Cosmoploitan Magazine. Because what the book is really about is what everything from "Sex and the City" to "Fifty Shades of Grey" is really about: marriage. For all of its celebration of the "modern," the off-kilter and the nontraditional, the pounding pulse of Love Illuminated is the poignant quest for a legal and permanent union.
Daniel Jones also writes about his own marriage to Cathi Hanauer. Interestingly, we were promised an exploration of life's most mystifying subject, but instead what we keep coming back to is a study of life's least mystifying subject: how it might come to pass that two like-minded graduate students in the same creative writing program might fall in love, get married, learn that marriage is not composed of an unfolding series of every-heightened erotic pleasures, and yet still manage, year after year, to keep their leaky but serviceable vessel out of dry dock.
Cathi and Daniel's library includes stacks of books on marriage with titles like "Should I Stay or Go?" But in the end, their dedication to their partnership has kept it going, produced children, created a shared history and an extended family, shelter from the storm--the whole shebang. And this, we gather is what eager readers of Love Illuminated are really after, too: not so much the bright spark of passion, but rather the banked fires of mutual commitment and shared checking accounts.
Love Illuminated suggests that marriage is possible for everyone. You just have to keep trying and -let's face it--think about lowering your standards: "Be realistic about who might love you" is the sobering, if time honored recommendation of one section of the book. Of course, lowering your standards does not mean one should just live with infidelities, abuse or addictions. In my book, unless there is acknowledgement, admission, apology and quest for help, those are deal breakers.
"Otherwise," writes Caitlin Flanagan, the author of the review, "have your fun along the way, but remember it comes at a cost....and yet, even in this rotten modern world--famously short on certitude, peace or even a non-maddening chore rotation--it is still possible for two people to be true to each other." And love each other.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
How to Overcome Disrespectful Judgments
To follow up on my last blog entry, The Problem of Anger in Relationships, I want to write about ways to overcome disrespectful judgments. As I stated in the last entry, anger is often expressed in judgmental tones, which will only lead to more intense negativity and defensiveness in your relationship.
Ask your spouse or partner the following questions. If any of them are answered in the affirmative, it's evidence that you use disrespectful judgments.
1. Do I ever try to "straighten you out?"
2. Do I ever lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues?
3. Do I ever view my opinion as superior to yours?
4. Whenever we discuss an issue, do I ever prevent you from having a chance to explain your position?
5. Are you ever afraid to discuss your point of view with me?
6. Do I ever ridicule your point of view?
All of these questions reflect an effort to force your way of thinking on your spouse. You do not agree, so you try to make your spouse agree with you.
What's the answer, then? The only appropriate way to persuade a spouse, or anyone else for that matter, is to show respect. Respect means that one should never try to force his or her way of thinking on anyone else. It also means that you honor the viewpoint of you spouse even though you may not agree with it. If this does not happen, and you instead attempt to prove your spouse wrong, or act as though your spouse's point of view is crazy, your spouse will more likely resist your argument all the more, even though there may be some merits in your perspective.
Ask your spouse or partner the following questions. If any of them are answered in the affirmative, it's evidence that you use disrespectful judgments.
1. Do I ever try to "straighten you out?"
2. Do I ever lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues?
3. Do I ever view my opinion as superior to yours?
4. Whenever we discuss an issue, do I ever prevent you from having a chance to explain your position?
5. Are you ever afraid to discuss your point of view with me?
6. Do I ever ridicule your point of view?
All of these questions reflect an effort to force your way of thinking on your spouse. You do not agree, so you try to make your spouse agree with you.
What's the answer, then? The only appropriate way to persuade a spouse, or anyone else for that matter, is to show respect. Respect means that one should never try to force his or her way of thinking on anyone else. It also means that you honor the viewpoint of you spouse even though you may not agree with it. If this does not happen, and you instead attempt to prove your spouse wrong, or act as though your spouse's point of view is crazy, your spouse will more likely resist your argument all the more, even though there may be some merits in your perspective.
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