Divorce?

In John Updike’s book of short stories, Too Far to Go, an exasperated husband exclaims to his wife: You’re such a nice woman…I can’t understand why I’m so miserable with you.”

Yes, sometimes it’s hard to be married. It does take work, for most of us.  Sometimes, there can be so much pain, rage, disillusionment, bitterness, loneliness, boredom, disconnection.  “Is this the person I really want to be married to now?” And so at different stages of life, for different reasons, we find ourselves considering divorce. And sometimes, we should divorce, before children, or to avoid living out our years in a rotten relationship that is so "mismatched."  Divorce seems right, painful, but the right thing to do.  Yes?

Yes...well, maybe not, sometimes.  Whatever happened to perseverance, sticking it out, for better or for worse? Mrs.Antrobus in Thorton Wilder’s The Skin of Our Teeth, says I married you because you gave me a promise.  That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine.  Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage…And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them--it was that promise. (Also see my Jan. 23, 2012 Blog entry.)


We know that the national divorce rate hovers around fifty percent. In recent years it has actually stabilized or declined a bit, although the divorce rate in several parts of the Bible Belt is now above the national average.

But inside and outside the Bible Belt, it is believed by professionals that many spouses who choose to end their marriages undoubtedly could, with some effort and sacrifice—maybe a great deal of effort and sacrifice—preserve them. (Unless of course, there is wife beating involved, repeated adulteries, and drug addiction.)  I read recently that 70 percent of couples who divorced didn’t need to divorce, that they could have made it, if instead of leaving the marriage, they’d understood that conflict is normal, that conflict is growth trying to happen. 

The work of making a marriage acceptable, better, or good enough requires that the wife and the husband didn’t do so much “scarring” or "emotional avoidance" of each other that there's no going back. But if we love our partners, why do we not just hear each other’s calls for attention and connection and respond with caring?  Sue Johnson, developer of emotionally focused couple therapy, says it’s because much of the time we are not tuned in to our partners. We do not know how to speak the language of attachment; we do not give clear messages about what we need or how much we care.

If we don’t learn anything about how to emotionally connect, chances are that  2^nd marriages won’t work so well either, which seems to be the case for most. As psychiatrist Peter Kramer puts it: There are limits to how different things will be if you exchange this partner for another. As a couples therapist I lean in the direction of emotional attunement and healing.  I lean that way in part because of my experience that with good direction, couples can indeed learn to be more attuned to each other and consequently more caring rather than more alienated and eventually divorced. And so they keep their promise.

Jim Covington, M.Div., M.A., LMFT   www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com  See the page: Couples on the Brink: Second Thoughts about Divorce

Staying Married...."for better, for worse."

In her book, Grown-up Marriage, which I highly recommend to both married and premarital couples, Judith Viorst writes insightfully about the ups and downs of married life and offers her advice about how to stay married through all of “soars and slumps” of married life.

She suggests that the lengths we go to, to stay married might include attempting to live by the following precepts, which tend to be more heroic than they may sound:  “Try to be nice to each other even if you don’t particularly feel like it.  Try to give to each other without being asked.  Remember that, like charity, courtesy and charm begin at home.  Offer a little more praise and a lot less criticism than you think your spouse deserves. Honor each other’s goodwill and good intentions, even when you don’t get what you need.  Don’t expect to get all that you need from each other.  Figure out how intimate you can be without suffocation and how separate you can be without alienation.  When possible, laugh.  When possible, say yes to having sex—with the husband or wife to whom you are married….When romantic passion dwindles, choose to see married love not merely as what we possess at the start of our marriage, but as a heroic adventure, a magnificent accomplishment that we strive to achieve together over the years.  Compromise. Compromise some more.

It helps, in our efforts at compromise, if we can distinguish injuries to our soul from injuries merely to our sensibilities. It helps if we can stand, for a minute or two, in our partner’s shoes and look at the view from his or her perspective…and see our husband or wife as the other half of the suffering human race. It’s easier to compromise if we recognize that, when we do, the winner’s the marriage.”

The Secure Attachment Style

IN my last blog entry I wrote about the importance of attachment and the three basic types of attachment style:  avoidant, anxious and secure.   In the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, these three styles are defined and elaborated on.   The healthiest relationships are those between two people who are “secure.”  While I doubt that many of us ever fit this type of personality perfectly, I think it can be useful to contemplate the authors’ description of the secure type of individual in relationships(pp 136-137):

• Great conflict buster—During a fight they don’t feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner, and so prevent the situation from escalating.
• Mentally flexible—They are not threatened by criticism.  They’re willing to reconsider their ways, and if necessary, revise their beliefs and strategies..
• Effective communicators—They expect others to be understanding and responsive, so expressing their feelings freely and accurately to their partners comes naturally to them.
• Not game players—They want closeness and believe others want the same, so why play games.?
• Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries—They seek intimacy and aren’t afraid of being “enmeshed.”  Because they aren’t overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (as are the anxious) or the need to deactivate (as are the avoidants), they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional.
• Quick to forgive—They assume their partner’s intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them when they do something hurtful.
• Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one—They don’t need to create distance by separating the two.
• Treat their partners like royalty—When you’ve become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect.
• Secure in their power to improve the relationship—They are confident in their positive beliefs about themselves and others.
• Responsible for their partner’s well being—They expect others to be responsive and loving toward them and so are responsive to others’ needs.

Born To Be Attached

In recent years research has confirmed that the need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes. In fact the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic/married partners).  This mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones. The mechanism explains why a child, parted form his or her mother becomes frantic, searches wildly, or cries uncontrollably until he or she reestablishes contact with her.  Or the opposite, when a child is abused, he becomes an angry loner or emotionally distant. These reactions are called protest behaviors and we all, more or less, still exhibit them as grown-ups. ( Sue Johnson, in her book, Hold Me Tight, refers to this behavior between couples as the protest polka.)  Of course, the attachment need can be met in other ways such as in communities, groups, churches, etc, but I am focusing on the couple relationship.

Most of the time, when I work with couples who are struggling, I usually help them discover that their angry, blaming or distancing behavior toward one another is actually (seldom acknowledged) a protest over feeling disconnected, or unsafe, impinged upon, criticized, or just not loved enough.  Our society emphasizes individuality, differentiation, independence—all of which are important states of being, to a point—Born to Be Free, as the song goes. The reality is that we also need to feel connected and are dependent on one another for that connection. We are also born to be attached.

Our need for attachment and how we express that need or deny it,  depends on a number of factors, including, early childhood upbringing, natural temperament, brain wiring, and life experiences.  According to scientific research, humans develop three different ways or styles of approaching intimacy:  avoidant, anxious and secure.  All people in our society fall into one of these categories or perhaps a combination.  The reason relationships become difficult at times is that each person has different attachment styles and needs.  Depending on the attachment style and needs of each person,  if a couple is not attuned to each other, they can begin to feel misunderstood, abandoned, alone, smothered,  or dominated. That’s when the protest behaviors begin: distancing, criticism, blaming.

Here is a brief description of each style of attachment (see Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment, Levine and Heller): Avoidant:  It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationship.  Even though you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arms’ length. You don’t like to touch very much. You tend not to open up to your love partner and she/he often complains that you are emotionally distant, which of course, makes you angry and more distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement in your space by your partner.  Or you many choose to be alone which many young people today seem to be choosing. Not sure what that means, but I am intrigued and concerned.

Anxious: You love to be very close to your partner and have the capacity for great intimacy.  You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s moods and actions. You experience a lot of negative emotions within the relationship and get easily upset. As a result, you tend to act out and say things you later regret. Or sometimes you just get quiet and distant and withdraw, but inside you are anxious and hurting. Or you talk to your friends and/or parents about your anxiety, but not your partner

Secure: Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you.  You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationship.  You don’t get easily upset over relationship matters.  You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are strong at reading your partner’s emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need.

It might be helpful for you to share this with your loved one.  Please don’t point fingers and accuse each other of being this style or that!  Share your different attachment styles as you each perceive them and your emotional needs. Become more mindful of them in yourself and each other, realizing that we are all different and that our deepest love calls on us to respect those needs, articulate them, and not become a slave to them, but learn to share and respond to them affectionately in our individual selves and to each other. Or if necessary, find a counselor to help you talk about it.   I will write more about this in my next blog.
Jim Covington    http://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/

The Third Thing

It has been said that a successful marriage is due in part to dumb luck. The dumb luck has to do with picking a partner who suits us—not perfectly, but sufficiently, suits not only the person we are when we marry but also the person we turn out to be. The dumb luck has to do with being able to deal—as partners—with life’s seismic changes and unexpected blows. 

In the white heat of love, young lovers might not notice they hold different views on quite crucial matters, or might not worry much about whether their lover will be a good partner, good parent, good person five or ten or twenty years from now.  But if we have dumb luck, there’ll be something between us that will bind us over the decades, even when love falters and times are tough.

And what is that “something” between us that will serve as the glue? Commitment? Strong connection?  More positive than negative sentiments, as the renowned research psychologist, John Gottman suggests?  “Mature” love?

“There is scarcely anything more difficult than to love one another,” writes the poet Rainer Maria Rilke. “That it is work, day labor, God knows there is no other word for it.”

This labor, this work, demands vast stores of patience.  It requires paying attention, more attention than we’ve ever paid before.  It requires compelling ourselves, when we are sick and tired and ready to slam the door, to nonetheless leave the door just slightly ajar.  The work includes not only the work we must do on the relationship but also the work we must do on ourselves.

In working on the relationship, I think it helps to see it as an entity greater than the sum of its parts, an entity that’s been described as “bigger than both of us.”  It is the “third thing.” A thing with its own existence and its own rights.  A thing to which we owe certain obligations.  A thing on whose behalf we will, at least some of the time, have to transcend our individual needs.

The outer work we must do on behalf of our marriage, our relationship, our “third thing,” is deeply intertwined with the inner work we must do on our “I” and “me” and “mine.” That inner work involves making peace with compromise, ambiguity, contradiction, and many, many different shades of gray.  It requires us to revise and reshape our earlier expectations to meet the changing realities of who we are and where we are today. It means focusing on the good stuff.  I love this quote by Pat Love: When it comes to marriage, the more you focus on the bad stuff, the more you focus on the bad stuff.  It means giving up.  It means shaping up.  It sometimes means shutting up.  And it means growing up.

 Rilke puts it llike this: For one human being to love another, that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. Love is a high inducement to the individual to ripen….it is something that chooses him out and calls him to vast things.

Love Consists in This

One of my favorite quotes is by Rainer Maria Rilke: Love....consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. Good marriages have healthy, stable, emotional connection.  Each spouse feels the other is there for her/him. Each feels the other is present—at least most of the time. So how do couples engender presence with each other?  Lots of books have been written about that, based on a lot of excellent research. But I believe Rilke’s quote about love sums it up beautifully. So let me elaborate:    

First of all note the phrase two solitudes.  Solitude means “separateness, aloneness.”  So here are two solitudes, two separate, alone individuals, who find a way to connect with each other and over time, really come to love each other, without the loss of self—something we all long for and need.

Protect: To the degree we can, of course we protect each other from the outside dangers that may sometime encroach. But we also protect each other’s known vulnerabilities.  If I know my wife is sensitive to my raised voice, because her parents always shouted at her, I want to protect her from that vulnerability. I try to remain mindful of the tone of my voice when I am upset.  I’m sure you protected each other’s feelings during courtship. You were thoughtful.  And while the ecstatic romantic phase of your relationship may lessen a bit, that thoughtfulness should continue. So we protect each other from behaviors that we know will make our spouse feel threatened or unhappy. Behaviors like selfish demands, judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty can create tension leading to withdrawal or defensive arguments.  So, it’s important to protect each other from those behaviors. And protect what we know to be our spouse’s vulnerabilities. Protection engenders presence.

Touch: Good communication of course is important. And that includes touching.  Not just when you’re making love—touching sensually and passionately-- but also when you are walking down the street, sitting next to one another, passing one another in the kitchen, or cuddling, massaging, hugging.  Touch conveys presence.  Research tells us that the U.S. is a low-touch culture.  In a recent survey, in Paris, the average number of times a couple touched one another in an hour at dinner was 115 times.  In the U.S., in Gainsville, Florida, the average was two times, the lowest of all the cities surveyed around the world! Touch also stimulates the secretion of oxytocin—the hormone of trust and bonding. So, touching each other physically or with words of affection or empathy  makes us feel embraced and present.

Greet: Just say Hello! Well, yes, but say hello with a touch, or gentle eye contact, as we often do with friends and even strangers. Greeting is welcoming.  How do couples welcome one another in marriage?  They do so with a look or embrace when they see each other at the end of the day. They welcome one another’s life stories, in the present or from the past.  Greeting is also a way of expressing admiration and fondness.  Hi! You look great!  Or, That was a really great how you dealt with the kids today!   Or, Ah, honey, you’re the best. You’re so thoughtful! Greeting is also a way of responding to your partner’s reaching out for connection, conversation. John Gottman calls it “turning toward” or greeting each other’s bids for connection, for presence.

Perhaps I have read more into Rilke’s statement about love than he ever intended.  Perhaps not. Still, I think it’s a great quote: Love...consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other..  Happy Valentine’s Day!

The Marriage Killer

CHECK THIS OUT.....Then think about it, reflect and maybe have a conversation with your spouse, if you think it's pertinent.  It's More Common Than Adultery and Potentially As Toxic, So Why Is It So Hard to Stop?   http://tinyurl.com/7x53aj8